Wednesday, October 31, 2012

You Have to Walk Over Poop to be a Man

Ring ring, ring ring....."Hello?" "Hello Madame, can I take a moment of your time to ask you a few questions for our environmental survey? As our way of saying "Thank You" your name will be entered into a draw for some exciting prizes including a trip!"...... (I should have said "No, I don't believe in surveys, or sorry, it's against my religion" but I didn't.) And sure enough a week later I had WON a super prize! A fabulous three day two night vacation for two at a five star resort somewhere in North America! "When is a good time for a representative to stop by and deliver your prize package Madame?" the overly enthusiastic woman chirped on the telephone. "Tomorrow morning at 11:30 is perfect! Oh, by the way.... Our representative will be bringing by one of our products to show you...just to get your opinion on...we're not trying to sell you anything, we just want your honest opinion on this product. So if it's okay with you, our representative will stop by at 11:30 to bring you your fabulous prize package?" (Why didn't I just lock the door, close the blinds and pretend no one was home?) Knock, knock, knock, knock.  "Hello my name is Scott from blah blah blah...." he began as soon as I inched the screen door open. He spoke so quickly I had a difficult time understanding him. He began unloading his large suitcases of equipment into the living room as I stood aside holding the door and silently wondering what I'd gotten myself into. He did all the right things. Complimented my home and it's cleanliness, pretended to adore children as my three year old proudly displayed each dolly she owned and asked him to play, feigned interest in my mother's health and the health of our children in order to win me over. He had a magic suitcase and from it he pulled out a machine that oddly resembled R2D2 from Star Wars. The machine was called "The Defender" (Try it again, in a loud, booming deep voice....THE DEFENDERRRR) This man's enthusiasm for this product was over the top. The more he talked about it the quicker he talked and the more animated he became. I half expected some furry circus animals to jump out of that magic suitcase and perform for us. The Defender is a "room air cleaner" that is recognized by the FDA as a class II medical device.... now that last part is very very important because being recognized by the FDA as a class II medical device costs about as much as a new mammogram machine!
It was about that time that my husband came in from work on his lunch break.  The salesman, obviously pleased to see my husband, went to work on charming the wallet out of his pocket. When my husband mentioned that he was only home briefly and couldn't stay long, the Salesman turned to him and in a serious tone of voice spoke to him man to man... "Oh certainly, I understand you have to go, but do you mind if I ask... is this the type of financial decision your wife can make on her own?" {WHAT?!?!? Did he just say what I think he just said?!?! I sat across from him with my mouth gaping wide open, looking like I just witnessed the rapture and got left behind.} My darling husband, noticing the insulted and dumbfounded look on my face immediately shot back "NO! She is not allowed to make financial decisions." The Salesman stammered and made excuses to cover up his rudeness and quickly went on with his presentation. My husband opted to stick around for a while instead of leaving me alone case I needed his support in making a financial decision perhaps? Hahaha.
My husband reiterated that we were not interested in purchasing anything at this time, and that the woman on the phone who called about the prize we'd won, said that we were not obligated to buy anything they merely wanted our opinion on the product. "Yes of course, but I think you'll agree that anyone who is concerned about their health or the health of their loved ones, anyone who cares about their children and their future, should own the Defender, or perhaps even two of them depending on the size of their home." he went on and on working us from every angle. Guilt, Pride, Medical necessity, an on and on.... He wanted to demonstrate the machine so we showed him to one of the girl's rooms. "Can you smell that?!?" he began. {"Oh God! Smell WHAT??? What did the Baby do now?" I panicked by myself in my head} "That's the smell of stale air most rooms have when the windows are closed tight..... blah, blah, blah," he droned on. He turned the machine on in one of the bedrooms and walked out to the living room to continue with his presentation. Knowing he was not making any headway with us in the sale of the Defender he went back to his magic suitcase and reached inside. A moment later he was fishing out another large piece of machinery that slightly resembled the first one.
"Hey, that's a Filter Queen...... HEY! He's a vacuum cleaner  salesman!" I thought accusingly to myself. His magic suitcase contained a dozen  or so parts and hoses and gizmos that attached to the Filter Queen Vacuum. "Good Lord! He's trying to sell us a flipping vacuum!" my mind screamed within me. My husband who had been pleasant and patient up until now turned to me and rolled his eyes. "I've got to get going" he mouthed silently to me while the Salesman fitted this new machine with some filters and hoses. My eyes grew wide and I sent him my own "unspoken" message "don't you dare leave me alone with this shark!" I said telepathically. He sighed and slumped down into the couch to watch the performance. "Blah, blah, blah ..... suction power vs air flow, blah, blah, blah, washable parts and changeable filters, blah, blah, blah...." and on and on he crooned. After looking over our vacuum and showing us all the bad points about it and telling us how ineffective and inefficient it was, he said to my husband "What would you do if I threw a handful of dirt in your baby's face?" to which my husband raised his eyebrows and slowly replied "I would show you the door." The salesman then countered with "Well that's exactly what this old vacuum of yours does every time your wife turns it on. So what should we do with it? {'Show it to the door' was the response the salesman was fishing for.} As time wore on and my husband grew more and more impatient for this "demonstration" to be over. He was already late in returning to work and would soon be late for a scheduled appointment. "Let's cut to the chase here Mr. Salesman, what is the bottom line? How much are you asking for this pair of modern must-have machines?" he queried. "Well Sir, what value would you place on your home appliances? If you had to replace them today what would you expect to pay...blah, blah, blah..." on and on with the reasoning, guilt and pressure.... when that wasn't working he got more direct and pushy I guess you could say. It turns out, after several calls to his "manager at head office" (any of you who have been in this situation before knows how ridiculous this all really is) and the already fabulous price of $2400.00 could be reduced to $1900.00 if we provided a large food donation to their food drive, traded in our old vacuum (since it was a piece of garbage compared to this miracle machine) and also supplied the salesman with the name and contact info for at least three "friends" (who are home owners and have a full time job) who might be interested in watching the same grueling three hour demonstration we just lived through. We (or should I say My Husband, firmly told him "NO, We are not interested in purchasing anything...." but before he could finish, the well seasoned salesman cut in with ANOTHER free gift offer! He pulled out a shiny sauce pan and lid and began telling us all the benefits of cooking with the complete twelve piece cookware set that we could receive FREE when we "referred three friends" who would watch his demonstration. The Salesman opened his mouth to speak and stuck his foot in it. "Come on, you're a know many people. I am sure there are some older people in your church that could benefit from these great products...." My Husband spoke firmly "First of all, I will NOT give out anyone's contact information to you - that's just not right. Secondly, I don't know anyone who could afford to pay $2000.00 for a vacuum/Air cleaner combo." When he wouldn't take no for an answer my husband had enough. He thanked him for his time and the "free gift" (which would likely cost us a considerable amount to actually use) and began to "help" him tidy up all his supplies. While the Salesman took his time washing out his vacuum, my now heated hubby shoved all the little parts and doodads back into the mans magic suitcase. As the man started trying to strike up another conversation (sales pitch) my husband carried his suitcase to the door and ushered the man out.
We watched the man load up his car and sit in the driveway on his cell phone....likely calling his "manager at the head office" to look for direction. The next time someone calls you to say "You've Won!" BEWARE..... nothing in life is truly FREE now is it?

*Here's a Few Funnies From Our House to Yours*

*The Baby said, " I saw a little bug named 'BeeBeeTots', it peed and pooped on the table. Then it fell and got hurt. It was a boy 'cuz it had a 'peenus' when it peed."

*Daniel: Teenager "I am sorry for my behavior and for lying to you."
 Teenager: "Good, now don't let it happen again!"
 Daniel: (looking upset and disappointed) "I'll try but I always end up doing it again!"

*The Baby: "I am!" (in a snotty voice)
 Grandma: "You owe your mother an apology for talking to her like that!"
 The Baby: "I'm sorry mommy"
 Me: "Thank you" I replied
 The Baby: "You have an apology for me?" she asked in return.

*The Baby: "Mom, what's wrong with your mouth?"
 Me: "What do you mean? There's nothing wrong with my mouth."
 The Baby: "You have words in your mouth!"

*The Baby was looking at a book and commented on the dog's fur in the book. She called it 'feathers.' "Do dogs have feathers?" I asked. "No" she replied. "Do goats have feathers?" I quizzed. "No" she giggled. "Do horses have feathers?" I challenged. "No." She asserted. "Do the chickens have feathers?" I teased. "No." She stated matter of factly. "Well who has feathers then?" I wondered aloud. "Little Susan has feathers! A big one." She answered excited. (Susan had found a sea gull feather and was keeping it in her bedroom)

*While walking through the barn Shane stopped to look at the goats. At that moment Annie brought up some food and started re chewing it (chewing cud). "Eww, she's chewing her CRUD!" "What?" I asked (thinking I didn't hear him correctly) "The goat just puked in her mouth and now she's chewing her CRUD!" Hahahahaha

* Little Susan likes to help with the animals in the barn. She especially likes to clean the germs off her hands with "handitizer" afterward.

* "Is 'contemplated' when you eat too much cheese and can't poo?" asks Shane.

* Daddy's voice was a little deeper and husky one morning because he had a sore throat. "Good morning." He said as he entered the kitchen. I jokingly said "Daddy's going through puberty right now." "What's that?" Shane queried. "It happens when your growing up," I answered "Your voice changes, your body grows hair, your body makes new smells...." Little Susan piped up "Eww, I don't want to catch THAT!"

* Grandma was scolding the Baby for causing mischief and tattling on one of her sister. "Mind your own business!" Grandma firmly told her. "I have a business?!?" the Baby inquired excitedly.

* Daniel told us that he and his brothers had made a boy's and girl's club. "The girl's club is for girls and the boy's club is for boys. But you have to walk through the poop first." (manure pile) he informed. "As kind of an initiation?" I asked. "No, to be a man." he replied. "You have to walk over poop to be a man."

* While driving home from shopping we always pass a few cows in the field. One day I teased the Baby as we drove past the beefy girls and said "Mmmmm, they look tasty, we should eat them" I taunted. "No!" she cried "that will hurt their feelings!"

Subscribers Stories
Introducing a new area of the tank.... Subscribers Stories! Do you have a funny or or cute story to share? Want to have it included in the "Subscribers Stories" section of The Fish Bowl? Just email me your story and I 'll include it in a future edition of The Fish Bowl. Please include your name and email address with all submissions.

Gabby: "Mom is there another way to get a baby besides getting married, Can you buy one?"
Me: "You can adopt one but I doubt they would let me without being married."
Gabby: "Can't you just lie and say your husband works alot?"
Submitted by Veronica A. from Windsor

Gabby found a dog treat so I told her to give it to her teacher in case he has one. "o, he's not married" I told her you don't have to be married to have a dog and how do you know he is not married?" "Have you seen how skinny he is mom, he's not married!"
Submitted by Veronica A. from Windsor

Gabby: "Here Nick have this piece of candy" a few minutes later "taste it."
Nick: "What did she say?"
I responded "She said eat it, it's good!"
Submitted by Veronica A. from Windsor

Blowing Bubbles About....
This week we're blowing bubbles about The Little Pig Farm Ontario
Located in Woodstock, Ontario. Owned and operated by Sarah Canfield and Maegan Spina. You can also check them out on Face Book. Many Thanks to Sarah and Maegan.... Our little Gracie was a recent resident at The Little Pig Farm :)

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Happy Harvest Season ~ Be Blessed,

1 comment:

  1. Absolutely amazing as usual Mommy! Loved it! Keep on writing. :-D
    Love ya, The Teenager.