Monday, January 31, 2011

"What is WRONG with this family??? Are we even normal???

It happened again. Actually, it seems to be happening almost daily now. The Baby has a "poo problem" and I'm starting to get concerned. It started off as a little bit funny..... when she'd sneak her hands into her diapers and pull out a mess then look at us with a shocked expression on her face like 'How in the world did THAT get there!?!?" But that quickly lead to her ramming her hands into her dirty diapers the very second she finished "her job" and then hollering in an alarmed voice "Ewww! Yucky!!!" with her arms outstretched, hands clenched, with nastiness oozing out from in between her tiny fingers .... showing us the source of her disgust. "Why does she DO that?" my Husband exclaims emphatically as I stifle a giggle behind his back and head off to clean up the crib, walls, carpet, or booster seat before the offending mess has a chance to solidify and harden, adhering to whatever piece of furniture happened to get in the way. It's not like she "plays" with it. She doesn't even like it. She seems to be disgusted at it. But nonetheless she continues to dig for it as if searching for lost treasure. Lately, the Baby has been taking off her diaper as soon as she's made a mess in it.... but this seems to cause just as much untidiness as it does when she pulls it out by the handful.
I KNOW this is a genuine indicator that toilet training is just around the corner but come on, enough is enough! I have to be on my toes to catch her as soon as she "goes" otherwise her hands will find their way to the "mud pies". And if she happens to be napping.... forget it .... she's a sneaky one..... quiet and stealthy..... she digs into her drawers before I even know she's awake - sometimes she doesn't even make a sound ..... until I hear that dreaded familiar phrase .... "Uh oh. Ewww!" ... and by then it's too late. The last time that recognizable odor wafted out from underneath her bedroom door and assaulted me before I even knew what hit me, I began to wonder out loud "What is WRONG with this family??? Are we even normal??? Is something dysfunctional going on here???" But all I got in reply was a pathetic "sowwwy" from her bedroom. "This too will pass, this too will pass, this too will pass..." I mutter to myself as I scrub the "poopies" off her hands and dig the dung out from under her tiny finger nails. "Uggs?" (hugs) she offers cautiously with her arms outstretched. "Uggs Mama?" she asks again, a little more persistantly. "Sure thing kiddlet, as soon as I get your stinkies all cleaned up." I assure her with a smile. Someday she'll outgrow this phase and we'll use it to embarrass her when she's a teenager :)
Speaking of Teenagers...
My Teenager has an amazingly smart "Butt", yup you heard me .... a smart Butt. I never even knew it was possible to train your body parts for other uses but somehow she's managed to do it! And I thank technology for that. Every since we got her a cell phone there's been no stopping her gluteus maximus. And oh the things it has learned to do ..... BUTT TEXTING!
Can you imagine sending a text message to your friends using only your buttocks? (and your brain never even knows this communication is going on) And even more amazing still is how your Bum can make a phone call to your Buddy while you are completely unaware. This is called BUTT DIALING ...  Suddenly you hear a tiny muffled voice behind you.... in your pants pocket .... "hello? hello? helloooO? Who is this? Is anybody there?" When you finally figure out it's your friend on the phone making all the noise and not your "oh so smart behind" talking it's too late - they've hung up. But they WILL call you back - they have call display you know .... your BUTT cannot prank call anyone because your friends will always know who called (even if you blame it on your unsuspecting cheeks.) Another annoying but clever skill my Teenager's Bottom end has learned is BUTT PHOTOGRAPHY. At any given moment you might hear that familiar "click" of the camera on the cell phone ... when you fish the phone out of your pocket you see an incredible picture of ..... the inside of your pocket! I'm not sure how many pictures of a dark screen a cell phone can hold before the memory card is all filled up but it sure is annoying to have to flip through all those BUTT SHOTS to delete them all.
BZZZZ, BZZZZ, BZZZZ ...... BZZZZ, BZZZZZ, BZZZZZ. "Hey!!! What's that sound?" my Husband asks. "That's the language of the Teenager" I reply knowingly. "What?" He asks shaking his head. "Her cell phone ... .it's vibrating ... that's the only lanuguage she seems to respond to anymore..." I say as I text her to come upstairs for dinner :)
With all the technology that exists in the world today you'd think that common sense would come easy .... but sometimes it doesn't. Some things don't have to be complicated to confuse a Teenager :) One night the Teenager and I went out to get groceries. We got into the doors of the store and I realized I had left my headlights on. I gave my Teen the keys and asked her to run back and shut the lights off for me. She got the the van and opened the door, fiddled around with something and came back to the store. "The lights are still on." I informed her. "Oh, well they shouldn't be. I turned them off." She replied. "Well maybe they didn't KNOW you were turning them off - they're still you'll have to go back and try again." I said.
 "By the way, it's the small round knob on the dashboard, to the left of the steering wheel. It has three pictures of a headlight on it - turn it to the far left." I reminded her. "I KNOW how to turn the lights off Mom." she said in an annoyed tone of voice. 'Really." I said smugly. And off she went. Back to the van to turn those lights off AGAIN. After a few minutes of fiddling around in the van she came out and looked at the headlights - nope, they're still on. Back in the driver's seat to try again. After another attempt she came back to me in the store looking defeated. "They're still on...." I observed. "I know, I Know... they just won't turn off." she exclaimed. "Are you turning the knob all the way to the left?" I asked, a little irritated now. "YES, I turn it to the left and it isn't doing anything." She says exasperated. "Forget it, I will turn the lights off - wait here with the cart." and I stomp off across the parking lot like a spoiled child because I had to go do it myself. I open the van door, turn the knob to the left and the headlights go out. "How difficult was that!?" I mutter to myself. The Teenager looks embarrassed when I get back to the store so we don't talk about it again until we load the groceries into the van and prepare to head for home. I put the key in the ignition and give it a turn .... then my winshield wipers sweep across the window furiously. I suppress a giggle and look at my girl. "Oh Teenager of mine, please show me which knob you were trying to turn the headlights off with?" I ask her casually. She is watching my hand as I turn on the headlights. She looks away embarassed and giggles. "Oops, guess I was turning the wrong one." She says shyly. "I thought it was the one on the thingy with the steering wheel" she replies. "No, I told you it was this one here... on the dash to the left of the steering wheel ...  the one with three pictures of a headlight...." I remind her. I sigh deeply, shaking my head as we pull out of the parking lot ... secretly thankful she's not old enough to drive yet :)
Here are a few funnies from our house to yours:

* Little Susan was watching a you tube video on the birth of a baby elephant. "WHOA! It looks like Poop!" she exclaimed when the baby began to emerge from the mother's body. Hahaha way too funny to watch her facial expression.
* "Mant Bummis" The Baby exclaims. (She "wants vitamins" at breakfast time)
* Daniel was hanging around the bathroom doorway as I got myself ready for the day. As I applied moisturizer to my face he cuddled up beside me and said "That's to make you smell good right Mom?" "Sure Buddy" I replied. Then as I reached for my makeup bag he said knowingly "Ahhh, THAT'S where you keep all your stuff to get ready and look beautiful."
* At the breakfast table as I drank back my Meal replacement Shake, Latoya piped up "Mama I know something when you get your weight gone - it's ZUMBA- you copy the person, it's like dance for you to get your weight gone." "Thanks dolly, I'll give it a thought" I replied. (She had seen a commercial for Zumba and knew I was concerned with getting healthy right now ... and she was trying to be helpful in that way that only kids can ... cause if my Husband had suggested it he would be in pain right now :)
* Little Susan was playing with Papa on the couch and was trying to button up his shirt but he kept pushing out his belly to make it difficult for her - they were having a good time until Little Susan announced "Papa, it don't fit you?" "It doesn't fit?" He asked. "No," she said "Your body's too big!"

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  1. Shirts that button between the legs work great to keep little fingers from yucky messes :) Thank you for the smile. And yes, this too shall pass. Great moms face great adversity in raising children, its what helps to make great kids :)

  2. Yes we keep her in onesies under her clothes - with snaps at the crotch - (sometimes even OVER her pants) to keep her hands out ... but then she digs in through the leg holes :)