Tuesday, October 29, 2013

"GASP! We're having LION for supper?!?!?" Shane screamed.

I drove down the dirt road slowly edging my way toward the stop sign.I could hear the crunching of stones beneath my tires. `The grader has been out already this morning` I mentally observed. As I glanced left down the road, and then right I noticed it briefly out of the corner of my eye. The large black bird, a crow perhaps, sitting still on the post at the side of the road. `He must be enjoying the warmth of the sun on his shiny black feathers` I thought to myself as I pulled away from the stop sign and headed for home.
The very next day as I ventured back toward town I saw him again at the last minute as I drove past that corner . Resting in the very same spot as he did the day before. What a smart bird, he must be a creature of habit I mused. In the weeks that followed I occasionally took notice of the lonely black bird waiting patiently on the stump as I drove past that corner. Sometimes I saw him, sometimes I didn`t.... depending on how observant I was that day. One morning as I drove by that corner, my head swimming with the many items on my shopping list, I caught a glimpse of the big guy once again looking alert on his favourite roadside stump. I was amazed at how consistent he was. It didn`t matter what time it was that I happened to pass by this dirt road intersection, my feathered friend was faithfully waiting there. Surely he has a home of some sort nearby, why else would he hang around day after day, week after week? Then it dawned on me, one blustery winter morning as my vehicle approached the stop sign once again. I caught sight of my fluffy friend dutifully guarding his post as fat white snowflakes falling from the sky swirled around him. The snow was piled an inch or so thick on his head and atop his shoulders, there was a little mound of the white stuff collecting on his tail......wait a minute......WAIT A MINUTE..... THIS BIRD ISN'T ALIVE...HE ISN'T EVEN REAL..... HE'S PLASTIC! How could I have been so blind? Why didn't I see it before? It was so obvious...of course it was a fake bird...he had only been sitting out there on that stump every hour of every day for the past few months! Who in their right mind couldn't tell the difference between a real crow and a fake feathered piece of styro foam? Upon closer examination I was even more embarrassed at my lack of judgement, the bird was pathetic. His feathers were worn and weathered and he had an odd, white bald patch on his head where feathers had once been glued in place but were now no where to be seen. He was pathetic looking. So as I hung my head in shame (at having been duped by a fake) I spilled into the van and drove home, disheartened and grumbling and feeling a little silly about the whole bogus bird thing.
In the weeks that followed, each time I drove past the little fraud I felt a sense of disgust. "You may have tricked me before but look at you now" I seethed through the window. "You're pathetic! You're alone and falling apart, one feather at a time." Eventually the Baby picked up on my "relationship" with this counterfeit crow and began anticipating the drive past the corner, just so she could get a glimpse of him. "He's a pathetic bird, right Mama?" She loved to inform her siblings about the bird's lack of vitality. "He just sits there," she'd say "He's pathetic." One day as we drove past the phony yet again, the Baby piped up and said "Look at that pathetic bird, he doesn't even have any friends....maybe he's lonely?" We continued on to the mall and forgot all about our lonely, pitiful pathetic bird until while browsing through the dollar store an idea struck me. As I stood in front of the craft supplies I spotted an assortment of small craft-type birdies I giggled at the thought of fastening a little bird or two to the post that pathetic crow was stuck on....just to give him a few friends and make his pathetic existence a little less dreary.
I continued on down the aisle pushing my cart past crayons, scissors, chalkboard and the like as I ran the `morning after`scenario through my mind. Of course we would have to pull off this scheme under the cover of night. How else could you explain to the police or anyone else why you were securing little colourful birds to some stranger`s post at the edge of the road. And what would the home owner think waking up the next day to find that her pathetic bird had brought guests home with him? Would that homeowner welcome the sense of "mystery" the unexpected friends would create? I got giddy as I pondered the possibilities. This could be ALOT of fun. I turned my shopping cart around and retrieved the package of craft birds, smiling mischieviously as I set them in the cart. "What's that for Mama?" my little one probed. "We're gonna have some fun dolly, we're gonna make that pathetic bird a little less pathetic." I mused.
Later that night, armed with my bright little craft bird and my mother (every shady character who sneaks around in the darkness has an accomplice, mine happened to be Grandma Windsor) we drove over to that corner, a sense of anticipation filled the van. As I drove ever so slowly past the post Grandma leaned far out the window and fastened the little bird to the back of that old pathetic bird. "There," she said with a note of satisfaction in her voice as she settled back into the seat and clipped up her seat belt "That's what you call a drive-by birding." We sped away before we could be seen and giggled like school girls all the way home contemplating the reaction that home owner would have the next day upon discovering the new feathered friend who had taken up residence on the back of that pathetic old crow. 'You did WHAT?!?" my husband asked wide eyed and baffled. "WHY would you do something like that? Don't you know you could get charged with public mischief?" he challenged. "For what?" I shot back "for gifting someone with a cute little birdie? I didn't damage or steal anything, I left them a gift... you can't get fined for THAT!" "Honey, you can't just sneak around at night, touching other people's belongings...." he went on. "Whatever!" I countered. "I didn't do anything illegal, I just left them a present...and it felt great! We HAVE to do that again..... as soon as I find another cute bird..."
So that's how it began. It has grown into something bigger than I imagined. We typically try to plant a new bird every two to three weeks or so. My regular midnight accomplice is now my Teenager. She does the deed and I drive the get a way car. We sneak out to the Pathetic Bird (yes we all still call him that, but it has become his pet name now, not an insult) and fasten whatever new treasure of a bird I have found to add to our collection. No we have not been caught.... yet, and yes the home owner LOVES this charade. How do we know for sure? Well, the bird post was getting a little crowded. We were trying to find creative ways of securing the birds with limited space when we drove by one day and realized the home owner had made an adjustment to the post. She had taken two squares of wooden parquet flooring and secured it to the top of the post and fastened the birds on top of that, giving them more room, and leaving us with more room to add more feathered friends.
We were very excited upon discovering the improvement. The only problem was, when The Teenager tried to staple a new bird to the board in the darkness one night she realized the wooden squares were flimsy and not very secure. She did manage to secure the bird but we vowed to make a better platform for this pathetic bird and his friends. A few weeks later when the Teenager strolled in from work late in the evening I excitedly guided her to the garage where I had been preparing for a midnight car ride to a dark side road. My loving husband helped me cut a new pine plank to use as a base for Pathetic Bird and his buddies, (so much for worrying about our criminal records) he even helped me get the screws started into the wood to make the Teenager's task a little easier in the darkness, after all, a cordless drill, staple gun, and new bird are quite the armload to carry into the shadows at the side of the road, while trying to be discreet and unseen. We discussed our plan and loaded the tools into the vehicle. As we approached the dirt road intersection I turned the corner and pulled off the road to our "usual" place. I instructed the Teenager to go to the post and remove the old parquet planks, birds and all and bring them back to the vehicle so we could fasten them to the new board before securing the new board to the post. It seemed easy enough.... but the traffic was a little heavy that night, pretty odd for an old dirt road after midnight, and the Teenager kept having to drop the tools and run for cover into the bushes until the cars passed by. I wondered aloud what was taking her so long as I pretended to use my cell phone while pulled over at the side of the road, hoping no 'good Samaritans' would stop to ask if I needed help. She eventually came creeping through the tall grass to the side of the vehicle. "Get in quick, what took you so long?" I whispered. "It was stuck, really stuck." she complained. "I had a hard time pulling it off the post, and then all the crazy traffic kept me diving back into the bushes, where the heck did all those cars come from?" Ok, lets just get this done fast, before we're discovered." I rushed on. We removed the birds from the old board and reassembled them onto the new board, securing them with staples and wire.
We added a new bird to the group and then the Teenager went out into the darkness armed with the family of birds on the new pine plank and power tools. "Be careful!" I whispered after her. Quite a few minutes later she throws open the door breathlessly hissing "That was close! The traffic is still bad, and that drill is so LOUD!" We drove off down the side road basking in the adrenaline rush we've come to enjoy after "planting a new bird" in the night. "I have a great idea for our next one..." I sigh as we head for home.

~Here Are a Few Funnies From Our House To Yours~

* While Grandma was preparing supper Daniel wandered into the kitchen. He gasped loudly and exclaimed "POISON SAUCE??? You're putting POISON sauce in our food?!?!"
(the bottle said Hoison Sauce)
* Nicholas approached me one afternoon, "Know what I don't understand Mom? People call other people 'Red Necks', when they don't even HAVE a red neck.... what colour is YOUR neck Mom?"
* While discussing our family tree it was mentioned that Daddy's Grandma died back in 1982. "Was that back in the black and white times Mom?" inquired Shane.
* The Baby can't have gluten or dairy. "I'm allergich" she tells people.
* While discussing seasonal allergies with Nicholas, Little Susan contributes "My nose is runny am I allergic to summer?"
* While getting dressed in the morning I reminded the Baby to change her panties. "Why?" she questioned "Is there butt juice on them?"
* As Grandma prepared dinner one evening Shane happened into the kitchen. "GASP! We're having LION for supper?!?!? He asked with wild excitement. "What?" said Dad, a little taken aback. "LION, we're having LION for supper" Shane screamed again as he pointed to the package of PORK LOIN on the kitchen counter. hahahaha
* I think my grandchildren are; how should I put this? "getting used to" the fact that Grandma has a lung condition. To them my oxygen is just a part of Grandma and who she is. This was confirmed at dinner the other day when (Daddy was out) grand daughter Susan had asked me if I had made anything 'crafty' for Father's Day like she had. I replied "No, because my daddy is in heaven with Jesus." Grandson Nicholas asked innocently "What did he die from?" "Well," I replied "He had kind of the same thing that Grandma has." Astonished and puzzled he questioningly stated "Arthritis?!?"

~Subscribers Stories~

Do you have a funny or cute story to share? Want to have it included in our Subscribers Stories section of our Fish Bowl? Just email me your story and I'll have it included in a future edition of The Fish Bowl. Please include your name and email address with all submissions.

* Elijah was learning about the "Bubonic plague" at school today and he said it was called the "Platonic plague" I guess they were really close friends! Lol
Submitted By Cherie B, Chatham

Join our mailing list and receive updates each time we post a new entry. Share this with your family and friends or post it to your Face Book profile.
Lucy :)

No comments:

Post a Comment